If I tell her there “will be consequences”, yet if I don’t, I will more than likely make my own. When I last admitted to my CPN that I’d had a stash of tablets and had consequently stayed up all night until I’d made it to my GP in the morning with a large bag and tears, she told me that next time there would be consequences. My plans would be thwarted by her care plans. My parents, as carers, would need to become involved for my “safety”. Hospital was mentioned. Fear, in turn, was laid out between us and ever since I’ve held that little bit back for the terrifying “just in case”.
I know this is not how it’s meant to be between us. I am meant to trust her, be able to tell her things but we’re back to the scary CAMHS feeling. The knowledge that if I tried again and failed, people would have to know and phone calls would have to be made. Confidentiality was a little thing that could be waved for those happenings. And even while writing this and realising how horrible she could possibly sound by my above statement, I understand why she said it and I understand that it’s her job. She knows that collecting tablets is not something I just do and don’t swallow. She knew that I had a stash before my last overdose and she didn’t step in. I don’t blame her for not trusting me. I certainly don’t trust myself.
It’s just this time, I risk so much in admitting the past month to her. If she did follow through with her threats then I’d be ruining my parents’ trip. They’ve planned and booked flights out to Australia in March for a month so they can see the kids. It’s something they really need. Something they’re really looking forward to. I can’t help thinking that if things came out, then they’d panic and cancel and I’d have ruined yet another thing. They’d be stuck in England to babysit me rather than their grandchildren.
People are going to tell me I’m more important than a trip and that there will be other times they can go but really, I want them to go and probably for the wrong reasons. I need them to go and forget things here for a while. Enjoy themselves. Laugh and play with the kids. I am the well experienced burden even if it’s something they won’t admit. They need to get on with things away from my illness as everyday at the moment is permeated by my mood. I want my mum to be able to sleep through from night until morning without getting up in the middle of the night to worry and I want to take away that pained look on my dad’s face away. I don’t want to hurt them anymore. No more than needs be. Being here is hurting them.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Agitation, Australia, CPN, Depression, Hospital, Parents
‘being here is hurting them’- yes that may be true, but not ‘being here’ would hurt a whole lot more. Things like that can’t be undone.
I understand the thing about the family. I may be older, but I often meet comments from my mom “See how you’re getting us all down” and “Stop hurting us”, but it’s kind of worse when they say nothing at all. It’s not enough to have to deal with an illness but you also have to deal with the guilt of making your family miserable because of the illness.
Hugs to you.
I ditto Lareve, not being here would hurt them more (and we’d all miss you!)
Is there a way of going halfway, bargaining? (That’s what I’ve done in the past).
Thinking of you, be safe and if you want to chat I’m aound, okay?
xx
Being gone will hurt them more, my dear.