Talk Show Host

You want me, well fucking come and find me,

I’ll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches.

- Radiohead

In September 2007 Judge Alan Berg described The Jeremy Kyle Show as trash, which solely existed to “titillate bored members of the public with nothing better to do”.

Well, I’m thoroughly titillated. I don’t actually have anything better to do. And while it is trash, I still love it!

Jezza the chat show King. Irritating but amazingly addictive.

I reckon there’s something quite mitigating to see dysfunction worse than your own, even if it is based on chavity and an apparent condom scarcity rather than something far more sinister like , for example, real life. I watch these loose teenagers and women with several equally gormless blokes and get a lovely warm feeling of smugness. It’s a bit like eating chocolate. You know it’s bad for you and will add miles to your thighs but still, it tastes good.

“According to a long line of critics, the 41-yearold former regional radio DJ is an utterly ruthless and cynical showman who exploits the vulnerable in the hunt for television ratings.”

- The Daily Mail

So maybe Jezza can be a little bit harsh but most of these people are hardly “vulnerable”, many are ex cons or gang members that carry around their guns like handbags. They’re pretty handy with their fists. Some nut each other and others go for JK himself with the chairs to hand on stage. Though it’s not really surprising if the allegations of crew stirring guests up with beer are true. Besides, in his own wisdom encrusted words; “Sometimes people need to be stripped bare before they can be helped.” Hand to heart powerful words.

It’s particularly amusing when, after painting his next guest out to be the next notorious prisoner of Strangeways and building the audience into an accusing chorus of “Boo!”’s, he flips the coin and berates the viewers for prejudging. No one got the tickets to umm, aww and ahh at the cuddly tattooed bloke on stage with his tale of woe. They got their tickets because they wanted to boo and hiss at Jezza’s latest circus act. They wanted a parade of performing social oddballs and pantomime villains. They wanted to see the judgemental ringmaster at work. They didn’t come to be all nicey nice and sympathetic and old JK knows how to work his roused rabble to a tee. He’s one amazing actor and his various characters include the saddened, the outraged and the deeply shocked, all totally “genuine” of course.

“We’re not there to throw stones at people, like in the old days, it’s more caring than that.”

- JK Spokesperson. – Anita Sethi – The Guardian “That’s Entertainment.”

Big events include the DNA and Lie Detector results. DNA can be exciting and will occasionally bear some resemblance to a gritty real life away from all the random randiness. Imagine; Girl, 16 with 10 possible fathers for her poor, unconsidered child. A few DNA tests later and Eureka! she now knows who she can milk money from.

I ask a spokeswoman for the Jeremy Kyle Show what makes it so popular. “I think it’s a mixture of things: people watch it because it can help them with their own problems, whether it’s infidelity, addiction or whatever. It’s also human interest in people’s lives – we all want to find out what happens in the end, if they’ll get back together, [or] if it’s a DNA test, whose the baby is. It’s like a mini drama, every day.”

- Anita Sethi – The Guardian “That’s Entertainment.”

All the same it’s the lie detector that really gets climatic. “Well, well, well madam. [Long. Tense. Pause.] YOU’RE A LIAR!” And maybe she is a liar, of course she can’t be one of the 4% who are wrongly accused. No, not one of the 1 in 25 who are failed by his test. Nah, they’re ALL liars. Let’s get some overinflated drama into the show so Jezza can again take the moral high ground. These little gems of passion are what many watch the show for. ‘Car Crash Telly’ I think they call it. In much the same way as people slow down to gape opened mouthed at motorway accidents, people switch on to see people being degraded. The way I get round the guilt though is the old “they set themselves up for a fall” thing.

Prodded into action by ringmaster Kyle, all the talk is of fractured, abusive relationships, of suspicion, mistrust and personality flaws of the sort that lead to alcohol and drug addiction.

Hurrah for these WILLING perfoming monkeys. I’d have nothing to do without them. And they are willing. They phoned up the show. They offered up their story. They agreed to natter about it will Jezza. They wanted to be in the telly box.

Admittedly there have been some warm moments on the show, I’ve even got a little teary on occasion when someone is reunited with their “real” dad. These moments are rare. And yes, some of the sensationalised headlines will be genuine cries for help, but not all of them. Some could be sorted with a quick phone call. Some could have been prevented with a lesson in why pulling out is not a good method of contraception or indeed why shagging the local rugby team without a johnny is a sure fire way of getting you into some sort of trouble, be it with a baby or a slap from the captain’s girlfriend.

Jezza has his bad points, of course he does. He’s a knob head with an over inflated ego. But I do love him. I love Jeremy because he’s made a nice little petting zoo where we can see the chavs away from their habitat of Big Brother.