Depression has successfully knocked me off my perch today. I feel low. I feel bleak. I feel hopelessly hopeless. Today I woke up wanting to die. This thought is nothing new. Most mornings I wake up and wish I hadn’t. This morning I woke up in hell.
All those days and sleepless nights have caught up on me and I’m shattered. When I was high and then mixed I didn’t need to sleep and now it’s all I want to do yet every time I try to close my eyes I’m bombarded with thoughts and images flashing across my mind. I can’t sleep. Everything just seems so hard and I’m left again with the “could be” view of hypomania and the ecstasy highs entails and I know I’m going to suffer for my fun.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Bipolar, Depression, Sleep, Suicide
*hugs* I wish there was something I could do.
I think alcohol is on the cards this weekend. Booze and bed x
Ouch.
Sleep deprivation is what keeps the ole wheel of depression spinning, I think.
It kept my hypomania going too. I didn’t need to sleep and now I do yet the insomnia still remains x
Depression did not knock you off of anything. Depression is not a living creature. You knocked yourself off by thinking depressing thoughts.
Metaphor.
So I’m depressed because I thought about it? I had no reason to think about it. I don’t want to feel this way.
You are depressed because you chose depressing thoughts. Name the five most exciting things you are looking forward to in your life.
shut up manupmen, you don’t choose to be depressed.
I don’t believe that recurrent suicidal ideation is anything someone would choose to put themselves through, the same way I do not believe that anyone would choose to grow themselves a cancerous tumour. Em is not willing herself into mental illness. She has no reason to think God, today I think I’ll think about dying. That should be a bundle of laughs and a great way to pass some time.
Feck it, I’m not arguing with a twat like you. Take care, Em.
Suzy x
Manupmen makes a valid point Nick and offers good advice.
Consider this:
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. ”
— Buddha
When I was very depressed and suicidal, one of the things that helped was writing a list of the positive things I wanted in my life. It may sound silly to you but our lives are molded, created and shaped by us. Some of us are able to do this easier than others, some of us need assistance of medication (perhaps and hopefully temporarily), therapy and even alternative forms of healing (energy healing like Reiki, intutive counseling etc).
Em – alcohol isn’t going to help you this weekend. It’s gonna make shit worse. I speak from the heart and from y-e-a-r-s of experience. For years I woke up wanting to die, or rather, simply evaporate.
Idea: instead of thinking “I don’t want to be depressed” perhaps thinking “I want to be filled with joy, happiness and laughter”. This train of thought sets the mind in the direction it appears you want to go.
I wish you the very best!
Nobody chooses to suffer from depression. The point with depression is that it is an illness, an illness that can strike at any time and is very draining. Em doesn’t choose to be lethargic and sapped of energy by the depressions, neither does she choose to be full of energy and hyper by the highs. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain and therefore for the most part out of her control. People who say differently do not help those with mental health issues.
I hope you feel a little better soon, xx
Everyone who suffers from chronic depression is choosing it.
What the fuck are you on about. You cqan’t choose depression just like you can’t choose bipolar or any other mental illness. You can’t choose to have cancer either, you gonna argue them out of it too? They’re only ill cause they believe in it? Well whatever. Nice little balck and white world you live in there.
Thanks everyone for your support. Yes I’m drun kbut I needed to be. I’m pissed off by this git. x
There is a very specific sequence of things you do to become depressed. Becoming depressed requires hard work, dedication, and repetition (writing a depression blog helps increase the chances of learning the techniques for becoming and staying depressed).
The chemical imbalances in the brain can be greatly enhanced by engaging in depression-promoting behaviors.
Fortunately, there are many drug and cognitive therapies, as well as effective herbal supplements, that help those who no longer choose depression.
You’re saying we’ve all chosen this then?
Did I not write about when I was high too. Was I willing myself into that aswell?
I write my blog to let the stuff I can’t say to my therapist etc out. Do you propose I bottle this up? Oh well maybe if I do I won’t be depressed. What bull
Your metaphor of “bottling up” your feelings is simply a construction, not a reality. Not saying something does not “bottle” it up. You are not a carbonated drink getting ready to explode.
You are a human being who can choose what you focus on, and therefore how you feel. If you focus on depressing thoughts, you will be depressed. I will ask again, what are the 5 most exciting things you are looking forward to in your life?
Five most exciting things I am looking forward to…
Let me think on that for a moment…
Staring my OU course not till November!
Day trip with the therapy group…
A possible holiday!
I can only think of three and that’s being honest, and I am not feeling depressed today!
What’s wrong with metaphors now? Right now I’m looking forward to having a shower, getting in bed and sobering up – hopefully to find you haven’t commented back but hey, that’s me being positive which, seeing as I’m thinking my way in to a depressive episode, doesn’t add up.
Metaphors are wonderful. They can do amazing things, including helping to get you out of depression. Here is an interesting metaphor for depression: Depression is a flat tire I get on vacation. With some determination and/or help, I can get it reinflated and by on my way to enjoying life again. Griping about my flat tire won’t fix it, talking about my flat tire won’t fix it. Getting things patched up and working properly is the only solution, and that solution results in me enjoying my trip!
Alison, congratulations on your list of three things you are excited about! Great job. Sounds like you have a good life going.
manupmen I don’t know who you are or anything about you but from those few short comments I already want to beat you senseless. For one, telling someone so deeply unhappy that this is their fault is beyond forgivable! That’s one of the key thought that plagues a depressives mind until the ‘help’ they.. we so desperately need persuades them that in fact our illness is a result of a chemical imbalance and with the right treatment can one day become manageable. Note that~ MANAGEABLE! It takes on average ten years for the drugs and treatment to form any kind of stability!
What you know of bipolar disorder must be limited- if Em’s thinking patterns were the cause of her depression how could it then be the cause of her hypomania? For a depressed person (because obviously you have zero experience with this and god forbid any of your family/friends ever do, you might be the deciding factor between waking up in the morning and finding a nice high ledge) thinking of anything hopeful is more painful than thinking of the gloom, because it’s so utterly unreachable.
Explain how in the mist of my most volatile moods I spent four days living, loving, thinking nothing but positive thoughts- had my family been shot, I would probably still have found a way to see the positive -and promptly two days later I sat feeling nothing but despair and praying I had the strength to kill myself? It doesn’t fit your pattern-
*hugs* Em, I’m glad you’re not so deep down you believe this twat, take care of yourself. XX
Jennie,
It takes less than five minutes to disrupt any depressive pattern, whether chemically caused or not. I have long experience with depression, and am happy to say that I have gotten off the medication and therapy treadmill. These methods prolong depression (not sure why you are so proud of the “ten years” of treatment).
Depression is not the depressive’s fault; it is their responsibility.
Your threats of violence are unacceptable.
Jennie wasn’t threatening violence. She was telling you about something she wants. A want is not the same as intention. It’s like the difference between metaphor and reality.
Suzy
Suzy, well said. I stand corrected.
Jennie,
Wanting to do violence against me is unacceptable.
Nah, ‘fraid it’s not got the same ring to it. It’s OK to want to commit violent acts, just so long as you keep those desires out the material world. Like, I often want to slap Piers Morgan. That’s acceptable. But I never have. That’s great.
Suzy
Suzy,
Your own violent urges may seem acceptable to you.
Oh look at you on your condescending high horse. Does it make you feel good attack people with a genuine illness?
Do you fancy telling me what you’re problem is? You have a really strange and warped view of bipolar and depression. If what you were saying were true, think of all those people who’d be out of a job, you’re not flaming Freud.
Hey everyone don’t you know thinking happy will cure that illness you’ve been fighting for years in 5 whole minutes, what are you all wasting your time on…
What a load of shit, seriously. If you can control yourself – how many minutes does it take to teach yourself self-control? – then try not to post again. It’d be much appreciated.
Proud? Why would I be proud of that? What in your deluded mind constrewed anything I said to be with pride?
Responsibility suggests duty, duty suggests a social obligation, you think that it is my RESPONSIBILITY to SOCIETY to think myself well? Bullshit. Even cognitive therapists agree that many forms mood disorder are unaffected by those types of therapies.
I’m baffled as to how naive you are! How can someone who spouts so much inane crap have such conviction in their words??
Yes they may be unacceptable, but no more so than your thoughts here. Em didn’t write this blog so she could get ripped to pieces by some (and maybe you intentions were good… god knows how but maybe you’re deluded) ‘do-gooding’ know-it-all who should probably pick up a DSM-IV before taking your twisted moral high ground.
You got better? Cognitive works for YOU? Woopee!
I still want to break your nose.
eccede,
If you like the idea of a long, slow illness, I will leave you to it. Anyone who would like to get off that treadmill can discuss it with me away from your blog. John Bryan Stone.
Jennie,
You seem very angry.
Of COURSE you have a responsibility to society to think yourself well!
Oh well I love my illness obviously. It’s what I wake up for in the morning.
Just sod off. I’ve no idea why you chose to attack but give it up.
I will “sod off.” Good luck!
Why thankyou
Jeez… I truly cannot believe the nerve of some people.
And manupmen; for your information I neither choose to be depressed nor to have cancer. Both of these illnesses/diseases have no choice involved, the only choice is whether to undergo treatment or not.
One does not blog oneself out of cancer. One does not blog oneself out of depression.
Blah blah blah, let’s talk more about how bleak we feel.
[...] saga got my thinking about (and you can read the somewhat verging on obnoxious and abusive comments here and here) is the notion of an online therapeutic community. A group of people who would not know [...]
I never said I could blog myself out of either of the diseases, but in blogging I have found an outlet for my emotions and feelings and have found people to be (on the whole) supportive and empathetic.
You can’t argue with that as an approach to either illness.
As for Blah blah blah, let’s talk more about how bleak we feel why shouldn’t we share our woes with people? After all it is often said that a problem shared is a problem halved.
manupmen suffers from something far, far worse than any depression or mental illness imaginable– ignorance.
My condolences.
Huh, I was linked to this page and told that manupmen was a twat.
I have come to the conclusion that he is. I can imagine him in a chemo ward asking the patients why they chose to have cancer.
I don’t know who you are Em, but take care ol’ chum. xxx
Thankyou xxx
No problem my dear xxx
Sorry I missed this… John Stone (manup) is an authority in absolutely nothing. His biggest achievement so far has been to self-publish a book, which is something any twelve-year old with access to a Staples business store or a home printer can do. Nothing he has left here has any worth whatsoever. He’s a troll, and not a very good one.
I’ve since googled and had a gander around, he seems to be a menace to many people and with the same “think yourself out in 5minutes” bullshit. Also the content on his blog is pretty awful – cheating is condoned and church is abuse…nonsense.
Was this your first Troll experience? Because you and Ruth, here and on her blog, did a great job in dealing with this guy. I’ve seen people get beaten down pretty badly by whack jobs like John, but you guys responded really well.
Googling a Troll right away is always a good idea, it takes a lot of the edge off of what they’re saying because nine times out of ten you’ll find out right away just how much of a loser they are.
Yeah, first time. I naively never expected anything like it but now I know. Really I should of shut him down and blocked him right away – I’ve learnt from my mistake.
Oh no. This whole conversation, I missed it. I don’t have much to add, I just will agree with Krizzy about manupmen’s ignorance problem. I hope he gets help about it.
Manupmen – try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. And if you’re still unable to empathize, at least you’l be a fucking mile away.
Haha I like! I wish you’d been around on that fateful day! x