When I was about 13 I got a new email address; lostandlonely@…..etc. One day my mum decided it was too morbid and pressured me into getting another, which I promptly did, though it didn’t change anything in my head. Right now I feel horribly lost and horribly lonely. My happy little email address projects a happy person amidst the pixels. I’m not that happy person.
Results day for my sister today (and of course all the others who took their GCSE’s- congrats?) As horrible as it sounds, I feel like “disappointment” has been pasted across my face. I know I’m meant to be happy for my baby sis and I am, it’s just I can’t help feel resentful – then guilty. She’s gonna be the success. She’s gonna walk through college without struggling. And saying that sounds horrible. I’m happy for her really I am, and I wouldn’t wish any of this on her, I love her to pieces, it’s just she’s the perfect daughter and I look up to her rather than the other way round.
My parents have had to deal with so much from me. CAMHS, overdosing, self harming, starving, hypomania and severe depressions. With K they’ve had none of that. I sound like a jealous bitch and maybe in a perverse way I am. I can’t help but think that when they decided to have kids they expected us both to be the near perfect, achieving, happy child that K is, yet they ended up with me.
I don’t know why they’re bothering with me anymore.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Depression, Family, Guilt
I hate replying with links to sites, especially my blog but I wrote about a similar thing to do with sibling rivalry many months ago and I think you should go back and read the comments you gave to me ->
http://colouredmind.wordpress.com/2008/07/21/shards-of-glass/
I too have found it difficult today with my sisters amazing results, but we are all different and are better at other things, I know I am more street wise than my sister and am better in social situations. Hannah X
She’s got the friends, I’ve got the anxiety and tendency to drink far too much and end up in A&E.
She seriously is the better sister. x
Your parents *are* still bothering with you so they obviously love you very much and want you to be happy and healthy.
I’m sorry that my comments always seem to come back round to my own experiences; but I can relate to this situation. My younger sister is much more successful than me, maybe not academically but in every other way. She’s normal, has friends, a job and so on, not a tremendous screw up like me.
She’s someone to be proud of. I’m not.
*hugs*
It is hard to see your own value when you’re constantly comparing yourself to someone else. When this happens, even the people telling you that you’re awesome will sound like liars to you and in the best of cases, you’ll just think they’re trying to be nice/don’t know how really bad you can be.
I used to have this problem with my best friend (guaranteed is not the same) but it was so bad. It still stings. We took all the same paths but she succeeded and I didn’t. She’s pretty, popular, very sucessful in the love field, and very smart, and she went through the internship and graduated in the perfect time. She’s like everything I should be but I’m not. I love her, but I’m so incredibly jealous. It is better now than it used to be though.
The only thing I can tell you is that as much as it looks like it, you and your sister weren’t dealt the same cards in the beggining. It is not your fault that you have a mental illness. You didn’t cause this, it happened to you. It didn’t happen to your sister. Why? we don’t know. You can’t compare her achievements with yours, because there’s simply no point in that. You wouldn’t wish this on her ever, but what would things be like if for some reason she was the one with bipolar disorder and you were the healthy one? This is not something you can control, you can only act upon it. You’re doing the best you can, and you have been so incredibly strong.
Now, the people who love you can see that. Of course they can. But you can’t. And I also get why you can’t… you wish you could be a reason to be proud of, because we would love to make the people we love happy. And it sucks to think you’re a source of pain instead. But you’re doing the best you can, and I think you have been great at it. Mental illness is a bitch, and it’s a life and dead matter, and you’re still alive.
I hope you get to see what the people you love see in you. I bet your family loves you to death.
You’ve sent me all teary. Thankyou – not for the tears but for writing. Take care x