Falling from the hills..

She has returned.

Sat here, on the edge of tears; I’ve fallen into this great void once again. I’m a fly in a spiders web. The more I struggle, the more tangled I become and the more I attract the impending end. Inevitable. I don’t even know what to write or even if I should. Every other word is mis-spelt, the content is beyond bollocks and oh I don’t know, misery is seemingly contagious – hence my pending bid for quarantine. But hey, lets be optimistic. You could put a positive spin on this. I’m no longer angry. I’m no longer agitated. I’m just depressed. Though there isn’t anything just about it.

I just can’t wait until tomorrow’s over. Summer holidays begin and so does the drug-induced, few month lie in. After college I’m going for a quick (possible binge) drink with the boyfriend before he goes to Anglesey with her and his mates, then straight to bed. The only interruption will be Oxfam on Saturday, catch up with S though. I’m taking a cake and we’ll drink coffee and listen to Portishead hopefully, though he has a thing for 80’s 90’s pop. 10-6pm then again. back to my bed which is where I will stay until the next Saturday. I have a lock on my door, some old chocolates, zopiclone, an en suite and no boyfriend to mither me. No one to see. No one to answer to. No one to lecture me about my dependence on sleeping tablets. I have no one.

In theory today hasn’t been a bad day. It’s unsurprisingly not responsible for my mood. I’ve just burnt out. Run out of agitated energy and rapid, raging thoughts. It was the penultimate day of college. I don’t actually think I did any work. Enrichment first was a quiz, though I was late as I managed to miss three trains this morning. Then Maths. We played “famous dead people”, a perverted version of “In granny’s shopping basket” which involved baby oil and a rampant rabbit and then finished with wink murder. The latter was theoretically the most amusing, and had the rest of the room in crying laughter as the other Maths teacher, who happens to be Russian, popped in. When trying to explain to her the rules of the game, she got into a lengthy conversation with herself about the tenses of the word “wink”. Going along the lines of “drink, drinking, drank”, she ended up, quite innocently, with “wink, winking, wank”.

Then to Chemistry I played online sudoku and then one of the girls decided to paint my nails purple with a red and blue design.

In English we watched a film, though I can’t remember the name right now but we’re finishing it tomorrow so maybe I’ll remember then. It’s something from the 80’s to do with 4 boys in America and a dead body? Apparently I’ll like it.

Last lesson was Biology and an overly competitive game of Articulate. Some debate over who won, but I’d say us obviously. We won with the most points anyway.

So why so shit? Because I’m either way up and wired, or down here and wired wrong. I’m just a pawn in my mind’s evil games. I’m going to have to end it soon.