Jigsaw

Sometimes you can see reality when others you are blind. When hallucinating, the people are as real as the room I’m in and the sounds are equally as real. Recently everything has begun to link together. I’ve gone on about the weather before, how it fits with my mood. Rain ↑ = hypomanic. Rain ↓ = depression. Rain ↑&↓ = mixed. Though this is not in the Seasonal Affective sort of way. I’m a rain lover, a sunshine hater, mood and weather are just connected somehow.

Today was a blustery, windy and angry day. Most of my morning was spent sat out on the school field “watching” sports day. Compulsory of course, or I wouldn’t of been there. I wouldn’t of even got out of bed this morning if it wasn’t so bloody “compulsory”. My life is controlled by everyone around me but in a low key, irritating sort of way. Nothing is being done, but it’s got to keep being done whatever it may be. I have to haul myself out of bed in the morning for fear of my parents dragging me out of bed, pinning me down and seeing my scars. If not this, then the guilt. If I don’t go to college, then it makes it all the more evident that I’m a failure. If I don’t get out of bed, then it means they need to worry. If they worry then I won’t be allowed to stay in my room which is the best place for me sometimes. What sort of daughter am I.

Earlier when I was watching Hollyoaks and Jack was attempting suicide (sorry I won’t ruin the episode any further), I was also doing a crossword and there was two words next to each other “carrion” and “mad”. How bloody apt. I’ve just seen the most irritating hair colour advert with the Bettie Davis song and at the same moment, someone with the msn name “She’s pure as Newyork snow” came online. I don’t quite know what the latter means yet but these aren’t just coincidences. I’m not an idiot or mad harping on about all these connections, they’re real. And while saying this, at the moment I know that’s me just being stupid but at other times, these links and jigsaw pieces are just like the sights and sounds I see. Ironic thing – I spend alot of my time doing online jigsaws when my head is too noisy. Jigsaws. Everything’s beginning to fit. I like patterns and I like order, straight lines, very straight lines, but I don’t know what to make of it all. I’ve been blind all this time. It scares me.

Jack’s attempt and recent others have made me think about my options even more. I’m not saying that they’ve made me suicidal, my death entangles itself with my daily thoughts regardless of outside factors, it’s just so blatant. In my face. Everything just say’s “do it”. Another sign. I can’t deny them forever.

Update on the boyfriend front. He’s going down to Anglesey for the weekend a load of mates – including the prettier ex. Funny how I never get invited to these things. Further proves the theory of embarrassment. More paranoia?

On that note, I’m worried my parents have found my blog. Someone searched “eccedentesiast” to find me. I’m worried that while I’ve been typing away (I spend half my life on this laptop but it also means that I have to spend time with the family), that they might of caught sight of the title and tried to find me. Found me. If they have I wish they’d tell me. Obviously this would be deleted. Though I’m sure if they’ve read there would be chaos here. Care plans and psych recommendations into action. Phone calls to the hospital and trips to A&E no doubt, all for my (unwanted) safety of course.