For once, I really don’t know where to start with this one. I’ve got all these thoughts, ideas, sentences screaming around my head and while I may understand the general concept, I’m unsure of how to type them out coherently. This will be awfully disjointed. I feel mad. I feel like I’m going mad. Madder. This is desperation. Something I’ve never really discussed with anyone, ever. I’m scared of what I’m thinking, what I’m seeing, what I’m hearing. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of everything.
There are people all around me but I’m blind to them, I can’t hear them. I hear the odd breath. A man, I hear him breathing sometimes. This sounds so stupid. I just know they’re there but how can I explain that with out sounding crazy. They’re not always there, just sometimes, and I know it. I feel their presence. They make me feel nervous, on edge, self concious. I know they’re trying to talk to me, and sometimes I’m able to watch myself, see myself looking blankly through them, they’re asking questions. Thinking I’m an ignorant bitch for not answering. In the shop they’re trying to purchase something. Awful customer service when you can’t grab the shop girl’s attention and they never will because I can’t see them. I wish I could. I don’t know what’s stopping me.
Still, I try and paint a nice smile on my face, if I can’t talk to them then at least I need them to know that I know they’re there. I must look like such an idiot to them. I am an idiot. I don’t know why I can’t see. My eyesight is perfect, but how can I be so blind?
I know how this may look. But they’re real people. What else can’t I see?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Desperation, Hallucinations, Illness, Madness, People
You’re not crazy, you’re bipolar – big difference. Definitely make sure to tell your doctor or whatever healthcare provider you see about the hallucinations – sounds like the meds aren’t working quite right.
On a side note… Tag, you’re it! Sorry, but I just had to hit somebody and you seem like a good sport. It’ll be fun! Think of it this way, it’s a guaranteed topic to write about for one day.